Not a day goes by where I regret one of the stupidest phases I went through as a preteen and early teen, B.B. Guns. The B.B. Gun itself isn’t the thing I regret, it was quiet fun. No, it’s the wanton destruction of some of my most beloved toys.
To be fair they weren’t adored at the time, but now I kick myself in the ass over not having them today. Whole collections met their grizzly and sometimes explosive end by way of a firing squad.
I had nothing personal against any of these toys and if I had the money I would buy them today (well some anyways). The shit you do under peer pressure…sheesh.
1. Raptor (Hasbro, 1987)
I’ll be the first to admit that Raptor was a silly figure with a very silly backstory (An accountant with a love of falconry that joined COBRA), but I should have NEVER hurt a Joe figure.
I find the messed up nature of this character and his fondness for birds endearing today and how very “80s” it was is something I truly miss. But at the time, in the latter half of the ’80s, I was easily lead astray by other kids calling him lame and worthless. And to be fair it is really hard to see something’s worth when you’re living in the moment. If I would have known that I would have a lifelong obsession of the ’80s I wouldn’t have gotten rid of ANYTHING from my childhood.
So Raptor met his end on top of the garden retaining wall in my backyard. I can’t remember specifics, but it was a better way to go than his fate in the comics. Locked away in an abandoned freighter by the REAL Cobra Commander, the treacherous Raptor, Dr. Mindbender, and Fred (among others) ate tainted meat they found on the freighter and died of botulism. Guess he really bought into the bird thing and thought he could eat carrion.
2. Robocop (Kenner, 1989)
Alex Murphy, I’m sorry you had to be shot twice in your life. Once by the murderous Clarence Boddicker and his gang, the second time by a punk ass teenager. At least you got to become a kickass cyborg after the first time, the second time you weren’t as lucky. All I can say is I was 14 and didn’t know any better. I’m sorry!
The mind of a teenage boy is a mixed up, chaotic place. I wish I knew then what I know now. Not about important stuff mind you, just the stupid insanity of destroying so many toys and how I’d regret it as an old middle aged bald man. Note, I’d also tell myself to take better care of my hair and enjoy it.
In an act of defiance I probably said “Drop it, Creep” before I fired the fatal B.B. into poor ol’ plastic Murph. As a constant reminder of my blunder I still have Robocop’s gun in my accessories box. Just doesn’t look right with anyone other than him. Looking back, I’m the Creep and I should have dropped it…for shame.
3. Cloud Car Pilot (Kenner, 1981)
Fuck, I was such a nihilistic little shit. I’ll bring up to things in order to defend myself. First, this is Cloud Car Pilot. Not the most exciting action figure in the world. When you live in a world of Stormtroopers, Wookies, and other awesome aliens a dude that looks like he should be in the Tour de France opposed to Star Wars doesn’t have a very long life expectancy.
The second thing is the one that stings the most.
By the late ’80s Star Wars wasn’t really a thing anymore. No one at school talked about it anymore, nobody played with the toys, nobody really watched the movies. It was hard to be a fan, and some of us weathered the storm and found so much other Star Wars things to gravitate towards, like the role playing game. But the storm did have a few casualties. Cloud Car Pilot was one of them. He was sacrificed in a hail of B.B.s to save face from a bunch of Star Wars haters. His sacrifice helped protect others among the collection like the Ewoks, and Luke. You may be lost but you will never be forgotten. You were so brave…my orange, tan, and white hero.
4. Mekaneck (Mattel, 1984)
For as much as some of you are probably calling me an asshole right now, I’m calling myself one even more.
It was because of his armor and his elongating neck that cast Makaneck into the firing squad lottery. When two or more teenage boys get together all common sense goes out the window and you think of things like, “how many B.B.s will it take to break his armor?” and “I wonder if I can hit him in the neck?”.
In hindsight, Mekaneck was one of my favorite Masters of the Universe figures, but like I said…hindsight. Sadly he was not the only He-Man figure to bite it on the ol’ retaining wall. One day I’m sure I’ll atone for all of my sins against Eternians.
5. Big Boss (Hasbro, 1988)
This is one action figure I really don’t need to replace. BUT all of the other C.O.P.S. figures that fell in “The Massacre of Precinct 314” I would like to get again one day.
Big Boss ended up being a stand-in for King Pin. You have to admit, besides the hair and cybernetic hand he looks an awful lot like Wilson Fisk. There was a time in my life where I wanted to be the Punisher. For real. When adults would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up I would say “I want to be a vigilante”. A lofty goal for sure, but one that gained no support from my parents or the community…damnit. The only thing I did get was horrified looks and a ton of head shaking from my parents.
So as a junior Punisher, Big Boss had to pay the ultimate price. I think I even arranged a little scene where he had a hostage and he had to be taken out, no questions asked. The only thing I really remember was that it took A LOT of B.B.s to break Big Boss.
Here is a picture of how I felt at the time….
Sadly, I was a bonehead. It wasn’t a very long phase of my life, but it was long enough to kill a lot of my dreams and cause a ton of regret. Like I said, not a day goes by that I don’t think about some of the toys I lost during that timeframe. I really have no one to blame but myself, and one day I hope to rebuild some of my collection. Pleasse don’t judge me to harshly, I punish myself for the sins of my youth.